Crash Test Dummy Part I

The mountain bike wins again. Wins and stomps
my greenie ass just to rub it in. Fuck me. I'm in a
real world of hurt right now, sitting here all battered,
bruised, and cut up. To make matters worse, all
indications are that I have a minute fracture on the
outside of my left hand (I'm guessing 5th Metacarpal)

We'll see. But I can tell you that it really fucking hurts.
It's all swollen, and bruised at the wrist, palm, and out-
side of the hand. It probably wouldn't have been so
bad, falling on it and having my hand smash a rock,
just once. But it happened 3 times! Three friging times.
Yea, you think I would have learned after the first fall, eh?
Well, it isn't as easy to protect yourself as you may think
it is when you are falling at speed on a rocky, bumpy,
mountain bike trail.



(Left hand shows significant swelling, and bruising in several places.)

Here is the story line.
A few days ago I met a guy who lives down the street,
who rides as well. I spotted him in the parking lot tuning
on his Mtn bike, as I was finishing up a short road ride.
I stopped and started chatting with him, and basically
he said the next time he goes trail riding he'll give me a
buzz. Sounds great I told him. Mike called me Sat morning
and said he was heading out to Allamuchy in Hackettstown.
I figure this would be a good training ride to practice for
the upcoming events.

Now I never been to Allamuchy, so I don't know what the trails are like.
Mike assures me that the North end of Allamuchy is not too
technical, and is do-able for a novice. Ok, I readily gave a
thumbs up. We arrived about 1:30, and the place was empty.
Couldn't believe it, but there was no one else around. We gear
up and head out towrads the Red Trail. Immediately we start
climbing, fuck I'm thinking to myself. 5 minutes in and I am
sucking wind hard. The climb is like 3/4 mile long, and bam
I fall half way up. Here we go. I remount, but have a hard
time with the loose gravel and the incline. I have to walk a few
feet and get to clearing and then continue on.

As we get into it, I'm finding it more and more tough to keep Mike
in sight. The trail is turning rocky, and loose in some parts. This to
me, seems pretty technical. We are climbing again. I'm suffering.
The first descent, and it is a bit hairy , I try to feather the brakes
so I can keep up my momentum, But I am also trying not to
go too fast since I have no knowledge of this trail. It's a balance.
There a lot of logs, and rocks, and soon I am down again, and this
time hard. I slam my left hand, and left leg onto the rocks.




Fuck that hurt! I get up and continue on, the adrenalin is flowing
so I'm not feeling the pain so much. heading left then right, through
the trees, and over the logs. I make a couple of jumps, and just as
I start to feel ok, I go down again. that is crash number 3 and we
are only about 20 minutes into the ride. I don't see Mike, he is way
up the trail, powering through the gravel and trees. This place is a
mix of single track, tight trails, rocks, logs, and some fire roads.

I get up and get going again, feeling tired already, I can tell my lack
of physical conditioning is beginning to affect my mental sharpness.
I'm making mistakes and feeling unsure of myself. I stop to catch my
breath, grab a drink, and then start turning the cranks again. Mike is stopped
up ahead, and I'm silently thanking him! He points out two ways we can go,
and asks me how I'm feeling. I could have said, no I should have said, a little
shagged there Mike...but what came out of my mouth was- "Oh, not too bad"
WTF? Did I just say that? Dumbass. He say's good, we'll go to the right, up hill.
F U C K.....uphill again. Son-of-a-mother...damn, shit, crap is what was going
through my head. The trail continues to go up and down, though the up's seem
to be beating the down's...doesn't it always though???

Part II

I can faintly see Mike far up ahead, then he disappears into the woods again,
I'm struggling to keep a rhythm going as I am trying to pick my way through the
large sticks, rocks, and logs, when BAM. Yea, I crash again. Get up and go,
don't stop I say to myself. The trail turns upward again, and I'm slowing rapidly,
too slow, and I lose balance, crashing again. 5th time down on the dirt and rocks.
This time I can feel the burning sensation of my skin being taken off...skinned by
those damn rocks. I'm leaving DNA all over this place! I take a quick glance to see
my right elbow is bright red with blood and stinging. I wince a bit, and attempt to
get back on the bike. Now, I'm kneeling next to my bike, looking uphill.

I throw a leg over and try to get going, but between my fatigue, the loose
gravel, and the hill itself, no fucking way Johnny. I walk up about 100 feet where
the hill levels off, and I remount. The trail is flat for almost a 1/2 mile, then I
can see some big-ass logs coming upon me. I pull up on the bars and make it
over ok, now a second one, not as big, but probably 2,-2 1/2 feet high, I pull
up but I'm rolling slower, so the front clears ok, but the rear drags, and I get
caught, which in turn sends me off to the left again! Right on my left wrist and hand
pummling it another time. It's hurting bad now, and I'm trying to block the pain out,
not working so good there Mr. Zen. My bike is making squealing noises and shifting
the cogs is not so smooth anymore! I'm in pain, I'm tired, and a bit dizzy at this point.

I stop for a bout 2 minuets to catch my breath, drink, and eat a gel. I'm tired,
in pain and at the same time mad at myself for all this crashing business. One
thing I used to pride myself on as a roadracer, was not crashing very often. I
always thought I had good balance, and judgement of my limits. Then again,
if I had a Moto X background, I would probably be better on the Mtn Bike.
I hop back on the bike and head off into the unknown...once again. The trail
bends right, left, back right, and straight for another 1/4 mile. I'm coming up
to log, too tired to attempt a go-over, I punk out and take the escape road
around it...also known as the pussy route! At this point I don't care. The trail is
now hard packed dirt and just a hint of sand, as it heads slightly up again.





Around a blind bend there is a huge flat rock to the right, and a casm to the left.
Guess which way I'm going to take? Right, right. Well I hit the rock at probably 15 or
so mph, not that fast you say? Well, no it's not that fast, but it's not too slow either.
In a flash the front tire washes out on the rock, and I'm over the bars, hard. I slam
onto my left shoulder, and my side scraping flesh along the way. I let out a few
Ugh's and fuck's...perhaps sharing my pain and displeasure with woodland creatures
of the forest...like they give a shit, eh? Those little bastards were probably laughing
at me...afternoon entertainment I suppose! Damn, I was pissed and hurting even
more now. That was a hard landing. I'm completely spent at this point, I want to
stop, but I keep going. Can't quite I say, can't quite.

I get going, and try to catch up to Mike, hoping he would be waiting. He was and
the guy wasn't even breaking a sweat! I'm like damn bro, what the fuck? He smiles
and tells me after riding and racing for over 15 years, it gets a lot easier...no shit?!
He also told me he has raced in the Allamuchy 24 hour 7 times! Holy fucking shit.
Good thing he was taking it easy on me...phhht.


Are we done yet? Mike asks how I am doing. Can you make another short inner
loop? This time I 'fess up and say I'm knackered bro. He sort of laughs, but in that
been there done that sort of way. We'll catch a few minuets of rest he say's, and
not too worry, we are almost done with our ride. I'm like, yea, good thing 'cause
I'm fucking done...cooked and well done. Okay, I should have kept going straight

back to the car, but Nooooooo, I follow him on the inner loop. I must be into S&M
and not realize it. Well to sum it up, I crashed 4 more times, making for a total of
11 crashes on course. I'm all fucked up needless to say, arms legs, and hand.
Not good. I won't be riding or racing the Mtn bike for probably 6 to 8 weeks.
I'll have to stick with the road bike.

My assessment is that one, I'm not strong enough yet to really ride technical and
fast trails at a quick pace. It takes a lot of upper body strength and cardio. I should
have taken the ride at a slower pace, to preserve my energy. Rookie mistake. In
my defence, I didn't know the trail at all, the climb immediately out of the parking
area took a big chunk out of my endurance. Two, I Should have warmed up a bit.
All in all it was a good learning experience, and a reality check.

I am definitely a Beginner, I'm not in the proper shape yet, and I'm too fucking old to
keep breaking bones. I have gone something like 17 years since my last broken bone,
and now within the span of 3 months I have fractured two, my rib back in March, and
now my hand. Crap! The Iron Horse is a bit beat up as well, though I have not fully
assessed the damage yet. I'm sure it will need  a little tweaking here and there.

I'm not really complaining though, it's all a part of the deal, you cannot expect to
engage in a sport such as Mtn Biking and not get hurt at some point. I fully accept
that, and I fully expect it as well. It's just that when it happens it isn't so pleasant.
But, I'll get back on the bike as soon as I can, and I'm looking forward to it.
Pride will be restored, Bones heal...and chicks dig scars.